STRANGER

Today is the last day of the week because tomorrow is a public holiday. I've been sick for almost more than a week now. "Mind over matter" helps alot. I just have to smile and think positive, and everything will be better right? Well, I thought so. However, the smile only lasts for so long, only two mere seconds then I'm back to feeling awful about myself.

I sat on the bus today in utter disgust with myself. I ran from my house to catch the bus, when I sat down beside this girl, I was perspiring too much that the back of my shirt is drenched, drenched with my own filthy sweat. I couldn't imagine how the girl beside me could take the awful smell of me, if there as a smell.

I became insecure and when the girl left, there was a seat empty beside me but nobody wanted to sit beside me. This happened yesterday evening too, everyone shrugged away as they saw the seat, they looked at me and just walked away.

You can imagine how many that hurt my ego. Then I concluded that maybe the problem was me. Were my drawn eyebrows too ugly and fake? Is it obvious that I do not know anything about makeup with the failed attempts of my eyebrows? Or was it I'm just a nobody?
This is a sad post, I do not need to keep reminding myself that my life is lonely and sad. I realised that I only think I'm lonely and sad when I'm either sick and tired mentally and physically. Other days when I feel good, I feel good and proud of my body and myself.

However, today, today was the day I feel ugly in my own skin. I feel like my stomach is protruding, my breasts are too big and ugly, my shoulders are too broad that nobody could ever hug and make me feel small and safe, my legs are hairy and ugly with spots, my eyebrows are ugly and I do not know what to do with it, my arms are flabby, my face is too chubby and ugly to touch, my nose has black heads, my back has acne and dark patches, I'm just ugly.

Days like this, I feel uglier than any black duckling you could find.

(That's why we take selfies to feel better on days you look good and feel good. )